Saturday, 17 September 2011

Entre les deux, mon coeur balance

Garden in September

Entre les deux, mon coeur balance, Je ne sais pas lequel aimer des deux (my heart sways between the two, does not know which one to love best). That's how the nuresery rhyme goes.
When preparing to leave Algiers, BK1 said she wanted to stay with my parents. But at the same time, she wanted to get back home to her school and friends.
Coming back "home" from "home", was heart-wrenching, as ever. My feelings were ambivalent this time. For the first time we were coming back from Algeria to our own house. We finally bought our first house in May this year. And coming back to our house felt indeed different this time round.
Saying goodbye to my parents, kissing my mother while waiting for the passport check, not knowing when we will next see them, feeling guilty to leave my parents alone and deprive them of their grandchildren for another year. Needless to say, I cried my heart out in the waiting lounge.

Then, I am sat in the armchair at 7:30 am on Saturday. Am looking outside into our garden. It rained last night and this morning; of course we are in the North of England. Sun rays are finally piercing the clouds.  All is quiet, children and husband are still asleep upstairs. It will all change in a few minutes, when we will all get ready to drop me off at a Communications Skills workshop with lovely friends.

At this moment, I feel blessed to be healthy, and to have my healthy and happy family.  This feeling of serenity does not usually last for long, though. 14 years, 1 job, 1 PhD, 1 marriage and 3 children down the line, I still  find it difficult to face the consequences of leaving home. If anything, it is getting harder. In so doing, I irremediably broke my own heart and that of my family, in two.